Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
