sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
