She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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