How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Randomize
