i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
How external is "for external use only"?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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