My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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