Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize