if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
