I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
