My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
