you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
we made out on top of his cat.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
