Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
