Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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