Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
