He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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