You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
is it fun? or sober?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
