I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
