we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
