god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
