i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
