Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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