I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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