i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
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