yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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