Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
