Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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