I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize