On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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