someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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