So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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