I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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