I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
