Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
