so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
