Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
