in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
