i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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