The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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