I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
