I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
