Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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