I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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