You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
