I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
