so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
