Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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