allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
