I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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