I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
