you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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