my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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