11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
