I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize