I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
