life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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