Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
