i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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