So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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