from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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