After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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