My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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