I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
