How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
