Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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